Happiness is Out on the Balcony, Having Tea

Do you ever find yourself betting your happiness on some future event or circumstance in your life? If I were just doing this, or if I were just living there, or if I just met 'The One' or if I just had x amount of money, then happiness would spring up in me and all my troubles would melt off into the ether! Right? I can't be the only one who has ever done this.

Unfortunately, this kind of thinking doesn't always (or even usually) pay off. And when it doesn't, we think to ourselves how foolish we were to pin our happiness on future things instead of present things. The present is much easier to manage, since we know more of the variables. The future is a wrench thrower.

But you have to understand, there are lottery winners in the world. Every once in a while one of those "If" bets has to pay off.

I pinned quite a bit of my happiness on an apartment balcony.

Living in a basement suite with roommates while going to university was economical and convenient, but it didn't take long for the lack of natural lighting to suck me into a vortex of inner darkness. Melodramatic, I know, but true. The place was decorated in all matching beige IKEA standards, and was actually very nice for a rental, but it wasn't MINE. It wasn't my furniture, my space. And it didn't have a balcony.

I don't know why the thought of a balcony was so important to me. I think it was because it's a space in the city that is outside but doesn't run the risk of neighbours popping their head over the fence. Maybe that doesn't sound very sociable of me, but I grew up surrounded by nothing but forest. When I went to play outside, I went alone, and that is how I like it. So a balcony! So isolated! So insular! If you want to join me in my outside space, you have to first be invited, so there is no risk of unwanted visitors!

When I finally found my current apartment, complete with balcony, I was concerned that I'd put too much emphasis on this little corner of the world, and that it couldn't possibly live up to my expectations. In truth, when I first moved in I almost never used the balcony, afraid of what would happen if my bubble should burst.

Eventually, when I got things set up with a chair and table and plants and BBQ, I started venturing out, and in 2012, I spent almost every summer evening out there. I thought I would do more reading, but it turns out I just like to sit outside and daydream, wondering about the lives of the people walking, biking, driving past me. I particularly enjoyed smelling my tomato vines. Don't judge me! It's a marvelous smell!

I moved in September 2011, but it wasn't until summer 2012 that I really owned that space and found the happiness there that I'd been hoping for, betting on.

I've been getting better about centering my happiness in the right now instead of the someday. I've started doing things because they add to my present joy, not because I think they might pay off later. I've started placing the onus for my happiness on my actions alone, not on random events or people that I have little to no control over. I've changed my perspective a lot and come out, not just happier, but more content than I ever was before.

But still, the fact that this particular bet paid off for me? Feels pretty damn sweet.